Allowing Room for “No”…From Someone Else
Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity. - W. Clement Stone
Learning to say no can often be a key component to maintaining balance and relieving stress in your life. Learning to say no can free up time in your day, help you create personal and professional boundaries, while gaining credibility and respect among friends, family and colleagues. But what happens when you’re the one making the request and the other person has the choice of saying yes or no and chooses “no”. How does that feel? Do you allow them that choice without taking offense?
Recently I planned to have lunch with my sister, niece and nephew. My mother works locally and I called her to let her know of our plans. “Want to join us?” I asked. She paused, explained how busy she was at work, but asked me where and what time we would meet. She went back and forth with me for several minutes, knowing she was too busy, but not wanting to disappoint us and by saying no. Finally I said to her “Mom, it sounds like you’re busy. You don’t have to say yes.”
I could feel the weight lifted off her shoulder. I had given her permission to say no. My feelings weren’t hurt. After all, I called her with a last minute request. If she could join us, great, if not, we’ll try again another time. My mother says yes a lot, because she cares a lot and she enjoys spending time with her family. In this instance, though, she needed the permission to say no. We often fail to say no, even when it’s in our best interest, out of fear of hurting the other person’s feelings. What if, as the other person, you provided a space for saying no? Perhaps then we would feel more comfortable and confident making choices that are most appropriate at that time and place, rather than living with resentment.
Can you think of a time when someone said no to you and you felt bad afterwards? I can. As I learned how important it is to confidently and appropriately say “no” when it makes sense for me, I became aware, too, of the importance of allowing someone else that same freedom. Communicating clearly and effectively works both ways. If I want the ability to say no when it’s right for me, it is just as important for me to allow others that same choice. And, as in the example above, sometimes that other person needs some kind of permission in order to do that.
Hey, that’s cool. I have learned to say no, but I have never thought of it from the perspective of someone saying no to me. Depending on the situation, I do feel hurt, especially if it is my children saying no to an invite. But the Lion reminds me that they are in their 20s and what is important to me as family time isn’t necessarily important to them. Now I’m going to pay attention to make sure I don’t make them feel badly for saying no. Good post!
Urban Panthers last blog post..You may mock me if you wish
I think it is so important for one to feel comfortable with saying no. Unfortunately many are raised to believe that no equals disagreement and take it as a personal dislike resulting in negativity. Often I find myself justifying my no because so often, people are hurt almost insulted. I would prefer a no myself versus an ignore. Interesting post…..healthy people are better with a no? Maybe?
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It bothers me if someone has agreed to do something with me, I’m looking forward to it, and then they call to cancel. But I’m pretty good at giving others “permission” to say no to my requests without laying a guilt trip on them or making them feel bad for saying no. I want an enthusiastic “yes” from others, not a “I really wish I didn’t have to do, this but I’ll agree so that she doesn’t get upset yes”.
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I am quite comfortable with people saying no to my requests and usually make it a point to tell them that saying no is an equally good option, that I would be fine with a no.
However, if someone has a habit of cancelling at the last minute I make it a point to express the annoyance. My usual work around is to avoid depending on them for anything important and for the fun part, make plans for the moment, no long term plans.
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Can “no” feel like rejection? Sure, it can. And, I’m guessing it has for everyone at one time or another. I know it has happened to me - I’m just drawing a blank right now on a specific example.
And, I think that’s what makes saying “no” hard to do sometimes - we know how we feel when someone says “no” to us.
I’m reminded of a time when I was looking for someone to fill a position with a group I am involved with at my children’s school. Worse than no, was no response at all. No phone call. No personal contact. No email. Nothing. I would much rather had a no. In this case, for me, no response at all felt more like they didn’t value me, or respect me enough to elicit a response. When I had taken the time to reach out to them specifically. I did get over it…but it did leave a bad impression for me. And one that still lasts, a couple of years later.
As we get wiser (does that come with age???), we can see that “no” is an acceptable answer. And we can separate our emotions from the answer we receive. Making “no” much easier to accept.
Great post!
I think I might go too far in allowing someone to say no. The trick is to ask with confidence and feel equally confident regardless of their answer.
But I often feel bad asking people for anything, so I go out of my way to make them comfortable. It may be, then, that I come across as saying I don’t really want them to say yes, if I keep saying you don’t have to, it’s okay if you say no….
It’s not what I mean, of course; I would like them to say yes, but I feel as though I’m imposing. So the idea, then, would be not only to be flexible but to learn how to ask for something as well. To learn that that’s okay as well as them possibly saying…yes! or no.
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@steph - “learn how to ask for something” - I’m composing a follow up post on that topic.
@Lance - good point - it is about separating emotions, or perhaps knowing it’s ok to simply communicate disappoint, without guilt. But more on that in future posts! It does hurt at first, I haven’t figured out why.
@Avani-Mehta I agree about the last minute cancel - that was a hard lesson for me many years ago, as I learned how to appropriately say no to various requests.
@Marelisa - I agree wholeheartedly. Say yes, or say no but don’t do it because you think you should.
@M - interesting question about healthy people. Do you mean physically healthy?
@UrbanPanther - Your comment about your daughter sparked another idea for a post. As the daughter, I know my mother does feel hurt when I can’t come by for dinner. She just enjoys seeing her girls!
I realized this same thing just last week. My mom and I had planned an activity together, but it was looking like she couldn’t go. She went back and forth back and forth and finally I said, “Mom, you don’t have to go to make me happy. I’ll be fine.” She admitted she didn’t want to go, and I ended up spending the time with my husband instead.
Well worth the little effort it took to let her say “no.”
I have a really hard time saying “no” because I am generally a “people pleaser”. Its something I am trying to grow out of.
I do realize that it is vital to say “No” for a stress free balanced life.
Shamelle - TheEnhanceLifes last blog post..Over Spending & Impulse Buying: 8 Reasons Why You’re Not To Blame
Relating this post to my blog, I realize that saying no can sometimes result to more productive situations. Saying no to a social event can equal more work getting done. Your definitely in my reader and I’ll be following you on twitter.
[...] or feeling any symptoms. To add to this your friends drink and you don’t want to say no. (For more information on saying no, visit here.) Guess what? You can not live life like this. It will not work out. Why should you stop? The affects [...]
I’ve been wanting to post on saying “no” for awhile now. It’s so important to do in life…Just say no!
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I have learned how to be comfortable saying “no”. And I think I give people permission to say “no” to me. Being comfortable with others saying “no” has given me the freedom to ask for what I want. People may say “no” - but at least I have asked.
Stacey / Create a Balances last blog post..Two Truths and a Lie
I agree that no is an important word.
I have learned that from experience. Time with family is important to me, so I say no to a lot of after-hours meetings.
I have learned to say no to the kind people who ask me to try their food “just this once”. Most understand and now they bring me healthy stuff, or offer it to others and say they already know my answer.
I admit to having great difficulty with saying No. I feel guilty and in pain afterwards. But the thing is that if I had said a Yes, I would end up feeling as if I’m shortchanging myself. It’s far better to say No if I have to. Having a clear sense of what my boundaries are help!
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No, is a scary word. In some way a no is taken as a ” i don´t like you” when it is infact nothing about that. I am working om my no saying.
Thanks for the reminder
I am actually OK with saying no. What is interesting though is people’s reaction to my saying no. Because I say no without guilt- often it is something like ” Thank you so much for asking me, but my time is limited right now and I wouldn’t be able to give it the attention it deserves”- I get a look of wonderment like they don’t understand how something just landed back on them,
or admiration- like they wish they knew the secret to never having to say yes again- or frustration or downright anger that they couldn’t get me to do their bidding.
Learning to say no is just the first part of the equation, then learning to deflect OTHER people’s issues with your no is another side of the coin. So…when someone says no to me– I thank them for their honesty and suggest that maybe another time will work out better. Hopefully, it will all come around.
Wendi Kelly-Life’s Little Inspirationss last blog post..Bouncing Back
Actually working with you Stacey was what gave me the insight into the fact that i said YES too much. I’ve always always been a ‘Yes Girl’ and slowly I’m taking that back. I always feel in control when I’m able to step back and evaluate my feelings…and say No…or Yes!
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