Let it Flow

Saying no is one of the best ways I know to 1) free up time and 2) build confidence.

When was the last time you said no? To your kids, your spouse, your boss, or your friends? Having a hard time remembering? For me and so many people I know, saying no is one of the most difficult things to do. Saying no is often followed by a fear of hurting someone’s feelings or personally appearing weak. A few years back all my “yesing” caught up to me. I couldn’t do it anymore and I started to resent the people I interacted with. I had to change my ways.

The change was gradual and not that easy! In fact, it’s something I’m still working on. I’m human, not perfect. The good news, though, is that if you’re not used to saying no, with practice you can learn.

Why it’s hard

Because we worry so much about what other people think instead of taking care of our own needs, we feel guilty and we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Last week I had a woman in one of my stress workshops express her difficulty with saying no. She commented that by saying no to friends she might lose them. So she says yes, and feels badly about herself. Just so she wouldn’t lose her friends.

I responded with a challenge: “Think about what kind of friend you have who can’t understand your need to say no for now in order to take care of yourself.”

Half the room was silent and half the room vigorously nodded their heads in agreement.

Remember, too, that if the person you say no to gets upset, you can’t own that. That’s their issue, as long as you communicated your “no” with respect. (More on how to communicate your no in future posts). Let me be clear, here. When I talk about saying “no” I’m not talking about forever. Instead, consider it a “No for now”. Perhaps there is another time when you will be able to say yes. Saying no becomes a lesson in priorities.

A Starting Point

Learning to say no is difficult if new to you. Consider the following as you begin to think about changing the way you think about Yes vs. No.

• Face it. Become aware of the fact that you say YES and then notice how it makes you feel.
• Let go of judgments. Now that you’ve recognized your YES habit, let go of any judgments that follow. There is no right, wrong, good or bad. Learn from past mistakes.
• Own it. You are making the decision to say YES. No one, and I mean no one is making you. Stop blaming others and hold yourself accountable for your decisions.
• Work on it. Take action and start practicing. Find support, and create a plan. Start saying no to low-risk requests! I recently spoke to a woman who, along with her niece, is practicing saying no. They each have to say no once per week and then check in with each other. It works for them. Find support (there are coaches and books available to help!), connect to your beliefs and your confidence and you can have the outcome you desire.

Tags: Communication, Food for thought, Stress //